Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.