@tchrquotes

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

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@sammyrhodes

I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.

@DanMentos

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

@ibid78

*meteor is about to hit earth*
Earth: I have a boyfriend

@Bagyants

Shake what yo mama gave you! Oh she just handed you a child. Don’t shake that

@Cryptic1iam

Me *whispers*: I need your mouth on me
Him: Yeah? Where?
M *fingers traveling down: Here
H: WTF is THAT?!
M: Snakebite. Stop wasting time

@SexySpacePrince

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

@sixfootcandy

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

@Brampersandon_

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

@notalogin

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin