there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
making my dog give me my pills