there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Catercrombie & Fish
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call