there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.