there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Donkey Kong sommelier
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
😆this is so true
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”