Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lube but for my dry humor.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

A leaf blower, but for people.

lmao😭🤣

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes