There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
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Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Seems legit.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”