Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Fight

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.