There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
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Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af