“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?