“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me in tagged photos
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]