“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
You Might Also Like
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie