“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here