Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

All right then, keep your secrets

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since