Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

Do not steal food from the science building!

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.