There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I think they could have phrased this better
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight