There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My recliner and I go way back
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
💀💀
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
