There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
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I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Give us this day our daily internet validation
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.