There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.