There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
let’s discuss
