There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?