There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.