There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
so i’m at the stock market right
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi