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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*exercises sarcastically*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.