Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)