There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
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scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism