“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
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Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
San Francisco has too many rules
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I drew y’all a little something.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe