“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
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*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it