There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
You Might Also Like
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
this got me crying😭😭
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
you also like cloning? well that makes two of us
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.