There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Tapped in
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
uncle dave has been through hell
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.