There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
mom had nothing to worry about
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter