There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Proctology is located in A55
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
How do you milk an almond?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.