There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
You Might Also Like
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.