There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?