There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Scream sneezers need love too.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?