There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
You Might Also Like
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me