There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
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bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!