Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?

“Queuecumbers”.