There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Me when my alarm goes off
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Software Development ⛵️
#catsoftwitter
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.