There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Brother?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
The first matador
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show