There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
me linking you to my twitter
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Oddly specific
it takes so much energy
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket