There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.