There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this