There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet