There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
ready to be harvested
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.