There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
So glad we cleared that up
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.