There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I used the label maker
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Anarchy
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.