There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.