Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

Things will get butter, keep churning

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”