There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I’m not proud
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.