Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

as is their right

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Me too 😆

this is the best day of my life

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.