There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
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Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.