Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

it takes so much energy

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you