Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no