There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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Stop sending me this shit.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Am I having a stroke?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.