There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
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“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Chicken bread
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.