Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Me too, bag. Me too….

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.