there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
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(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.