You’ve made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
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I burned 1000 calories by lighting my arm on fire
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
Where would you like to go?
Get in the Spider Van.
A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.