There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
The Sun
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?