Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

My new favorite headline

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

Spotted in the wild

SF is the wild wild west man

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.