There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
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Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Thank heavens for community notes
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
