Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

I hope they boil the right one.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.