There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
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There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
dads on road-trips be like
