I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
There’s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
You Might Also Like
Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
How to sports:
– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER