@AllanCresswell

There’s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?

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@bridger_w

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

@FannyB1tch

Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.

@AndrewNadeau0

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

@Wordesse

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

@ibid78

*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”

@wxfis

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

@Go2Slp

How to sports:

– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed

@teen_news69

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

@pleatedjeans

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER