The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.