There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
You Might Also Like
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Hell yeah 👍
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I enjoy a good short stor
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
