There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
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“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*