There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.