There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Omg 🤣
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.