There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
You Might Also Like
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
This took me a second..
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Sounds like a bargain
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Not messing around
