There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?